Saturday, April 29, 2006

Oops, I did it again!

8:30PM Friday: The boysies are tucked all snuggly in their beds, I make myself a dirty martini and settle into my own bed, in front of my TV, laptop at the ready next to me. Fairly standard occurrence when I’m home with them.

Since I had mixed my martini in my fabulous pink mini croc cocktail shaker that E got me for my birthday, I deemed an actual martini glass a necessity for the impending consumption.

Just as an aside, I am a troubled sleeper. My brain enjoys working overtime, and it refuses to shut down at a reasonable hour in order for me to get my required eight hours. While I know it is not the healthiest of remedies, I do tend to consume alcohol in the evenings to help facilitate slumber. Also, I like to drink.

10:59PM: Since just one is never an option, I’m on my third martini when I post this. After I hit publish, I turn, grab my martini glass off of my night table and turn back towards my laptop.

11:00PM: Disaster strikes. Grey Goose and olive juice slosh over the side of my martini glass, STRAIGHT into my waiting keyboard.

FUCK!

Another aside: Those of you that have been reading for a while know, I’ve been here before. But last time it was red wine and I had an excuse.

Flashback: January 5, 2006

Big Guy, who was supposedly sleeping, unexpectedly opened my bedroom door, because he was not so much with the sleeping, and scared the ever-loving shit out of me. Red wine, from the glass in my hand, flew about the room, all over my BEIGE duvet cover as well as INTO my WORK laptop keyboard.

I sopped up the red wine from my lappie and duvet cover, but the lappie still went phzzzt about twenty minutes later. I slunk into work the next day with my tail between my legs and confessed to the head of IT. He, being of the cool variety, totally fucked with my head, but had the laptop powered up again within minutes of my confession. Then he had me SWEAR I would never drink around the lappie again.

How soon we forget.

(But, it’s not my fault. He left the company about two weeks later due to our impending new-mommy.)

Back to Friday night.

11:03PM: I know what’s coming. I try to stop it. Initial panic over, I dry the keyboard, turn the laptop over to drain anything that might be hiding, turn my hairdryer on and blow hot air directly at it and power down. No phzzzt yet. Maybe I saved it.

11:30PM: Had phone sex with The Player to porn (damn my hormones!) (but I digress.)

12:00AM: Sleep.

6:35AM: Try and power this baby up. This baby was not having any of it.

DEAD. As a doornail, I tell ya.

Did I mention… FUCK?!

(Another aside, there’s no way that I can tell them at work… I did it again.)

(Yet another aside, did I mention, today we have the annual baseball parade at 8AM, soccer from 10:15 to 1:15 and a baseball game from 2 till 4? I don’t have time for this!!!)

6:36AM: I’m FREAKING out.

7:20AM: B calls. I remember that he has a computer contact. I tell him what happened; tell him that I NEED his help. Oh, you’re at the front door? I’ll be right down to open that up for you. I’m still freaking out. Ooh, you brought me coffee. Awesome!

7:25AM: OK. He’ll call his computer guy when he opens at 9 and see if he can bring it in for me. I’m still freaking out.

9:30AM: Parade and Opening Ceremonies… done. Go back to the house to ready the boysies for soccer, give B the dead laptop. I’m trying to control the freak-out.

9:35AM: He’ll call me with any updates, meet us at the soccer field when he’s done. I’m still freaking out.

10:30AM: B’s computer genius tells him that he’s got no techs there today, set it up under a heat lamp, try the hair dryer again, it should dry out and power up in a day or so. I’m a bit less with the freak-out.

11:00AM: B finally makes it to the soccer field. He’s in time for Big Guy’s game, Little Dude’s practice and game. He hands me my still DEAD laptop. I decide to open it up in the reflected sun in the back of my car to dry up. I’m trying to control the freak-out.

1:15PM: Little Dude’s game is done (they won 12-1, WOO-HOO!) and we head home to change for baseball. I need to deal; need to deal.

1:30PM: I melt my keyboard with my hairdryer; buttons for letters C, F, and M fall off the laptop completely.

1:31PM: I FREAK the FUCK out again!!!

1:50PM: B comes by with Chinese soup and shao-mai and takes the boysies to the baseball field while I make phone calls regarding the dead laptop and smoke ciggies. All the while… FREAKING OUT!!!

1:55PM: I call CompUSA in Braintree. I tell Phil the whole story, the entire, embarrassing mess of a story, including the history. He tells me they might be able to help me, that they are open until 9:30 tonight and from 11 to 6 tomorrow. It’ll cost me $150 to sign the lappie in if they are busy, but if they are not, they can work on it for nothing. Their non-busiest times will be from about 7:30pm tonight until close, and as close to opening time tomorrow. I’m still FREAKING out.

2:10PM: I head for the baseball field, yep, still FREAKING out.

4:00PM: Boysies and I are home, they are watching Shaggy DA, I am putting together dinner for them… still FREAKING out.

6:00PM: Dinner and Shaggy DA are over. I shepard the boysies into the car and drive them the 30 minutes to CompUSA. FREAKING out.

6:30PM: CompUSA. Matt asks if he can help me. I tell him that I spoke to Phil earlier and I think they can help me. He tells me, heh, yeah, he heard the story already. I wave my hand at him and say “Yeah, that’s me. And, I’m kinda FREAKING out!”

6:35PM: Matt takes the lappie and says “Let me try something.”

6:45PM: Matt comes back out and asks for my power source, says “Let me try this another way.”

6:46PM: FUCK! More FREAKING out on my part.

6:55PM: Matt brings out the lappie, tells me that he can’t help me with replacing the keyboard, he's not sure, but there might be something wrong with the battery, and then... POWERS me up.

6:56PM: OK. CALM.

7:00PM: The battery just needs charging. No, I don’t owe him any money. I can order a new keyboard for $61.00 from HP. END freak out. I LOVE Matt.

7:05PM: Boysies and I head home.

8:30PM: I start writing this on fucked up keyboard.

10:30PM: I finally finish writing this on fucked up, need to replace keyboard and post.

10:31PM: I make a martini and back the fuck away from the fucked up keyboard.

10:32PM: NOTE: Matt from CompUSA, you totally rock dude. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I still need a new keyboard for my laptop, but at least my laptop is working.

10:33PM: Freak out officially over.

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Friday, April 28, 2006

Guilty disclaimer

I do NOT smoke around my children.

This is a mutually exclusive indulgence.


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The Smoking Donkey

I just bought this for L and I. Isn't he cute? The ciggies come out of his bum!

Just one of those things I had to have I guess. I hope L likes it too. If anything, she'll laugh her ass off. Hee.

You think my shopping addiction has spiraled out of control?



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Thursday, April 27, 2006

I'm warning you, there's no funny here.

I’ve been avoiding writing about my last therapy session only because I know it’s not going to be in the least bit funny. But, I need to expunge some of what’s been traversing my brain since Tuesday night.

So, consider yourselves forewarned. There is no funny here. Funny is on mini-break. We will return to our regularly scheduled programming tomorrow.

< /disclaimer>

Ms. Britain had warned me during our first session that this process was not going to be an easy one. In order to be successful at improving my self worth, I would need to unearth painful memories; bring them to the forefront of my consciousness. Come to terms with them and move forward.

You mean I can’t just continue my self-proclaimed ostrich-like behavior and avoid this at all costs?

As it turns out… Ms. Britain is not so much with the letting me do that.

The core of our discussion Tuesday was regarding my fear of ending up alone. The apprehension I feel because I believe I might be attempting to restore my marriage for this very reason. My belief, if I don’t get back together with B, I am destined to spend my life alone.

“Why?”

“I have two kids. I’ve dated enough to know that most men consider them baggage. I obviously don’t, but they do.”

“You couldn’t see yourself with someone who already has children as well?”

“It’s been four years, if that was going to happen, don’t you think it would’ve already?”

“Let’s talk about your childhood. Tell me what it was like growing up in your house. Specifically, your relationship with your mother.”

I think I gave one of those sarcastic, thru your nose, laughs at that point. Because, in retrospect, it is just laughable how bad some of these memories are. Though they are not in the slightest bit funny.

“Well, my mom always managed to not be speaking to me during major events in my life. Her form of punishment was the silent treatment. It could go on for weeks at a time. I think the longest period of time was a month straight. She wasn’t speaking to me at my prom, high school graduation, college graduation… she even stormed out of my wedding and didn’t speak to me at brunch the next day or for a month after we returned from the honeymoon.”

“What do you mean by silent treatment? How far did that go?”

“I wasn’t allowed to participate in any family activities, including meals. I had to wait until everyone was finished, dinner was cleaned up, and she was in her room before I could make myself something. If I walked into a room she was in, she would leave. If I tried to speak to her, she’d turn her back on me.”

“How did that make you feel?”

“Invisible. Like I didn’t exist. That I wasn’t important.”

“Was there any physical abuse?”

“No. My mother preferred alternative methods of discipline. I always knew I was in trouble if my bedroom door was closed when I got home from school. If she was mad at me, or my room was not perfect, she would empty out every drawer, every article of clothing from the closet and dump it into the middle of the room. I had a certain amount of time to clean it up, and if it wasn’t finished, or wasn’t to her standards, we’d start again.”

“So, how did you deal with your mom growing up?”

“I hid a lot. I’d go to “sleep” before they got home from work. I spent an inordinate amount of time in my room reading. I was always grounded anyway; it wasn’t like I could go anywhere.”

“What did you feel towards your mom? Was it fear?”

“That. Hatred. I wanted to escape. And I never understood what was wrong with me for her to treat me like that. Why couldn’t I live up to her expectations?”

“Did you ever tell anyone? Did you think this was normal?”

“It was my mom. You were supposed to sit down, shut up and do what she said. If not, there were consequences. You didn’t question. And if you fought back, you got punished. End of story.”

There was more, but if anyone is still reading, I’ll spare you the details.

Bottom line is that I really believe that my fear of being alone is derived from the fact that I spent so much of my childhood alone. It didn’t make me happy; it made me very sad.

And now, many times when I’m alone, (the boysies are with B, I’m alone in my house) I am overwhelmed by the sadness, the emptiness that I feel.

I just want that feeling to go away. I want to finally feel comfortable in my own skin, being by myself.

Is that too much to ask?

NO IT’S NOT!

Right?

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Random thoughts

This morning why, in order to get a better whiff of the curious odor I believe is emanating from my car, did I feel the need to turn down the radio? Did I believe that this is going to magically improve my olfactory performance?

Am I driving around, unbeknownst to me, with a sign on the top of my car that says: Please, aggressively cut me off and then proceed to drive five miles an hour in front of me for the next ten miles?

Is it possible that the plastic H20+ water bottles the boysies love to bring into the car are multiplying? Kind of like rabbits?

Oh, and I was wrong. My pittance of a raise will cover my gas expenses… if I only had to fill my tank every TWO weeks. Too bad that’s not within the realm of reality.

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Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Round and round she goes, where she stops...

Nobody knows.

Certainly not me.

(I originally wrote this in December, but it was deleted with the “old blog.” It’s now updated with the new fun below.)

Oh, the merry-go-round my career has become since relocating to Massachusetts.

In NYC, I was the golden girl. Promoted out of Federated Merchandising into an assistant buyer position at Bloomindales in ONE year. When they promoted me, I was actually given a choice as to where I would like to go. That NEVER happens, but it happened to me.

So, I start my job at Bloomies. Hard work, perseverance and being in the right place at the right time got me promoted to a full buyer in ONE year. Again, this rarely happens at a corporation like Bloomies, but my talent as a merchant was recognized and rewarded.

Well, rewarded with promotions rather than money. Bloomies is known for being cheap. Especially with it’s homegrown talent. The worst raise I ever received in my life was after six months as an assistant buyer for them. Hell, I actually took a slight pay decrease to take the assistant buyer job! A step back to take many steps forward is what I thought at the time, and for the most part, I was right.

I was a buyer there for five years. In the handbag division, (sigh) which is where my addiction for all things Fendi, Prada, Marc Jacobs, et al was born. But after five years and no further growth opportunity arising, I got antsy. See, the handbag buyers in my division were the ol’ timers. Years and years under their belts, very happy in their current positions, and they showed no intention of giving up their jobs.

I get the call one day; asking if I’d be interested in interviewing with a company outside Boston.

Sure.

Long story short… Filenes Basement wants me to buy handbags for them. They are trying to reinvent themselves and want me, along with all of my designer contacts. They wine and dine me. Bring B and I to Boston for the weekend to make me an offer. $20.0 raise. $10.0 signing bonus. Six figures?!? NICE! Wait... they’ll also pay for the move and packing. They’ll help us find a place to live.

The whole nine yards baby.

Just as an aside, at this time in our married life, B had decided that his lot in life was to throw in the towel and go to work driving a van delivering car batteries for a high school friend. So this way he could wear jeans every day, as well as spend all day doing batties (yeah, he’s Jewish – can you believe?!) He had been doing this for just about five years and was truly miserable being treated like shit on a daily basis, but refused to do anything about it because his friend “relied” on him.

Well, this was my way of getting us out. I took the job. We moved. B was none too happy about it, but considering my salary supported us for the most part, it really wasn’t his place to complain. Though, he did anyway.

Thus started the merry-go-round.

The Basement filed Chapter 11 six months after I took the job, eliminated my job three months after that (oh yeah, I was six months pregnant with Little Dude at the time of the lay off... fun times!)

Next.

I went to work for another Boston based retailer. Then... they decided to pack up and move their offices to Charlotte N.C. to save money. I was offered a relocation package, but I figured if I felt like a fish out of water in New England, I could only imagine how much worse it would be in Charlotte.

Next.

I go to work selling for an old friend who manufactures belts in NYC. I fly to the city five times a year for market week, work out of my home, and handle all of his top accounts, including my old stomping grounds (and job) Bloomies. Well, belt business turns south, as it has a tendency to do, and my boss/friend decides that he really needs someone in the city to handle the day to day nuances of handling such major accounts.

Say it with me people…

NEXT!

It takes me NINE weeks to get a new job (yes, I was a single mom at this point...MORE fun times!) The job I currently have. The one I’ve had for just over three years now. Which for the most part, is pretty damn awesome.

I get the flexibility I need regarding the boys, their school, and life in general as a single mom. I don’t have to travel. I get to play with pretty product, analyze and run the business. The team I work with is great; we all play well together.

I get to work yesterday to find out that the rumors have come to fruition. We’ve been sold. Purchased by another specialty retailer who plans to leave us intact, but help us find the profitability and growth we’ve been missing these last two years.

I’m trying to stay positive. Really I am. But if my past job experiences in this state are any indication…

I left NYC… why?

So, it’s now the end of April. Our almost new-mommy company has been in our offices on a daily basis for about two months. Analyzing our business; sorting out the loose ends. Figuring out who stays and who goes. The company is throwing a "retirement" party for the EVP of Stores next Monday (think he's going? < /sarcasm> )

I’m pretty confident that I'll have a job after the deal goes through next week. Our division is held in high regard, we are the ones who actually UNDERSTAND the business. And our almost new-mommy company has never been able to keep anyone in my current position.

So, life goes on as usual. Day to day business; meetings galore. I had my review today. The Company average is a 3% increase.

BALLS.

Will that even cover my gas for the next year? I’m thinking… NOT.

But, I'll count the blessings. Awesome review with raise (albeit average, but at least not under the average.) I have a job, as well as a severance package that has been approved by our soon to be new-mommy. Hopefully it won’t be implemented.

I guess I’ll find out next week.

Think I should hold my breath?

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Tuesday, April 25, 2006

The best laid plans...

Sometimes go awry.

I wasn’t planning on speaking to The Player again. I figured after I blew him off Saturday, he’d figure out that I’m just not that into him.

As is usual in my life, not so much the case.

I had the boysies last night, and while we were reading stories before bedtime The Player called and left a message. I didn’t even hear the phone ring. Imagine my surprise walking back into my room and seeing the blinking yellow light. I really didn’t think it would be from him either. Then I played it.

I had to call him back. He sounded like such a lost puppy on my machine I felt bad. And then, there I am, yet again, listening to him complain about his job.

Stop complaining already dude… do something about it! You’re forty-four years old. Grow a pair!

Then, in one breath he tells me he doesn’t want to crowd me, and with the next, asks me what I’m doing tonight. Did I want to grab a drink or something? Aaauuugggghhhh!

At least I was nice about not making plans. I told him that I have my appointment tonight and I didn’t remember if it was at 6:30 or 7:30 (LIAR!)

That bought me a little time at least.

Why do I feel bad about this? Just tell him that this isn’t working for me, and leave it at that, right?

I think it’s because I’m too nice.

That’s actually number 5 on my list of validating statements about myself. That I’m nice.

Maybe it isn’t such a positive after all.

Heh.

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Monday, April 24, 2006

Baby steps

“Remember how I said I'd rather be with someone for the wrong reasons, than alone for the right ones? I'd rather be right. It's gonna feel good to stand on my own.” Amanda Jones – Some Kind of Wonderful (1987)

I woke up this morning with that quote stuck in my head. It’s taken up residence; made itself quite comfortable in fact. I can tell, it’s not planning on moving out anytime soon.

Yet, the idea of being alone is something that I’ve always been frightened of. Have tried to avoid at all costs in my life… possibly including trying to get back with B?…

Hmmm.

“A woman is supposed to be married.”

I wonder how old I was when I first heard that statement from my mom. Probably the year after I graduated college. That’s when I also heard this gem…

“You’re twenty-four years old. Can’t you find a boy to marry you? What’s wrong with you?” (Ahhh, Jewish mothers… ‘nuff said)

I know WHY I’ve made the choices I’ve made. That’s very clear to me. But therapy is supposed to be teaching me to go down a different path. One in which I have the confidence to stand on my own and feel secure. Not to seek out companionship for fear of being alone.

That concept is so contrary to what’s been entrenched in my brain for as long as I can remember. Yet, maybe, I am starting to feel more comfortable with it. Maybe my confidence is building in the right direction.

Which gives me the perfect segue to my homework assignment.

I’m ashamed to admit I cheated.

Not on purpose! Really. It just happened.

The night L and I went to dinner we discussed the relevance of this particular project. I still did not understand how saying “I’m a good person” was going to help me. She disagreed, and explained her reasoning. So I told her I’d give it a shot.

Understand L wants me to do this on my own, for my own good. So, she gave me no help whatsoever. I managed to come up with three (one of which I promptly forgot due to a small indulgence we partook of earlier in the evening, and spent the better part of dinner going “Number 2… What was number 2?! I know there was a number 2!!”... but I digress.)


  1. I’m a good friend.

  2. I’m a strong person.

  3. I’m smart.

That’s where I got stuck. I panicked; started to have these weird thoughts. Like, I was totally conceited and I need to stop this now. I looked at L.

“Okay, I’m done for now. Baby steps. K?”

L assured me I had nothing to worry about. I came up with three not two days after being told to do this. I had plenty of time to come up with two more. I could do it.

Flash forward to Saturday night. I’m finally catching up with my friend Quincy Girl, and I’m filling her in about my therapy, the homework I have and that I’ve come up with three thus far.

“Oh, that’s so easy. I can name ten great things about you right now.”

And before I could stop her, she proceeded to do just that.

So now I feel like I cheated.

Because I did agree with a couple of things she said, and I’m going to use them.

Baby steps people, baby steps.

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Sunday, April 23, 2006

Game over

So I’m pretty much done with The Player. He’s not holding my interest at all outside of the bedroom, and there’s only so much sex one can have (did I just say that?!)

He came over Friday night with Mexican food and a twelve pack. We hung out, had a little food and watched a movie. He entertains me when I’m drinking, it’s just when I’m sober that we have a problem. And that’s what Saturday morning showed me. We just had nothing to say to each other that hadn’t already been said. It was awkward. Weird.

Add to that, the fact that he had his first beer of the day at 9:30 in the morning… dude. I’ve already hung out with the functional alcoholic, and that ended up with him breaking into my house one night after I locked him out because it was more important to him to drink and play pool than hang out with me. I’m so not going down that road again. Sorry, been there, done that.

Next.

Or maybe not.

I’ve been thinking that while I’m doing the therapy thing maybe I shouldn’t be dating. Especially considering what I’m also considering.

Anyhoo, back to Saturday morning. The Player tells me that he has some things to take care of (the first hint I was done with this was that my first thought was thank G-d you’re leaving… yay!), asked if I wanted him to cook dinner later (we decided on shrimp), and left saying I should call him after I was done with my haircut and errands.

After he left I watched the end of the episode of Lost I was watching when he showed up last night and was just totally relishing my space. L ends up calling me about a half an hour later wondering if I was interested in going out for breakfast (hell yeah!)

Breakfast was awesome. We went halfsies on the salmon benedict and eggs w/corned beef hash and were quite pleased. (Just as an aside, L & I have been searching for over a year for a new breakfast place since our favorite stopped doing breakfast. And we FINALLY have a winner!) After breakfast she dropped me off at my car and I went on to my hair appointment and other errands.

Driving to my hair appointment I was just overwhelmed by the feeling that I so did not want to hang out with The Player again that night; I really just wanted some alone time.

So, I actually did something that I usually don’t do. I called him. And told him that I thought I just wanted to hang by myself. And I’d give him a call later and check in.

Ah, feeling so much better now.

Hair – fabulous. Then went and picked up my new Bluetooth Wireless headset to go with my new Razr (which is also fabulous!) and headed over to BJ’s to purchase the digital camera I promised myself when I got my tax refund. On the way back I stopped at Marshalls and picked up a few things I needed (can you say retail therapy?!)

I didn’t get home until after 6, I called the boysies and then decided that I should at least keep my word and give The Player a call back.

Turns out since he hadn’t heard from me he was on his way into town to hang out with some friends in Southie.

Totally cool Dude.

I changed into my jammies right then and there. So friggin happy to not have to deal with anyone. Watched the last episode of Lost, talked to my other brother Happy (I'll stay with the seven dwarf theme) for a while (we’re both obsessed with Lost and I had to call him about Michael returning!) and got to sleep early. It felt great. And I so did not miss The Player.

So, I didn’t call him today. He didn’t call me. It’s all good.

And meanwhile, even better? My new digital camera rocks, and as it turns out I got a pretty damn good deal on it too.

So, for your viewing pleasure, here’s some pics of big guy and little dude from their first baseball game tonight. (okay blogger problems – I’ll try again later) Big guy had two solid hits and made two outs. Little dude also whacked out two solid hits.

Now, if it’ll only warm up, we’ll really be all good.

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Friday, April 21, 2006

Birthday dinners and forgotten memories

This past Wednesday night I took L out for her birthday.

First stop: manicures at the new place I found and adore.

Next stop: The Montessori School, to listen to Chip Woods speak; father, teacher, writer extraordinaire. He is an amazing speaker in regards to child development; his book: Yardsticks: Children in the Classroom Ages 4-14: A Resource for Parents and Teachers, is enlightening.

(Just as an aside, after only two sessions of therapy, I think my self-confidence is improving. At one point I asked Chip a question regarding Big Guy. Not only did I freely offer up the information that Big Guy has mild Asperger’s syndrome; in response to his follow up query to my question, I admitted to a room full of people that Big Guy’s creative outlet is Game Boy. In speaking to L about it later, she was amazed, as well as impressed, that I admitted this particular thing; inasmuch she knows how much it pains me to allow my son to play and loose himself in that particular venue for hours upon end. She also knows how much I felt judged for admitting it. But I did it anyway… yay for me I guess.)

Anyhoo… after the Chip Woods lecture we headed back to my small town to the local bistro for dinner. I had received an email earlier in the day touting their prix-fixe menu, (which read amazing) as well as an offer for a very well priced bottle of house red to go with our dinner.

Yeah, we’re in.

Dinner was great. First though, we did our typical… nah, not so much liking this table… where else can we sit?

(Another aside… L and I have a habit of this. We’ve been known to switch tables three times or more until we find the one we want. Yeah, a little high maintenance maybe… but we want to sit where we want to sit dammit! Hee.)

The bill comes and L tries to talk me out of paying for both of us.

“We’re going to split this, right? We’re both the same amount of broke. You already paid for my manicure…”

“Ummm… Hello. Not only did you buy me the cute little shopping fund piggy bank for my birthday, you also paid for dinner… I’m paying for this. Besides, it might not have ended up dinner, but you let me pay last year, why should this be different?”

(Okay, why are best friends arguing about money regarding birthdays? Money is no object when it comes to birthdays.) (</aside>)

“Oh yeah, last year… the night you…”

“Passed out… and almost died…?”

“Passed out?! Um… There was a little more going on than that!”

“I SAID… I almost died, k?”

Yah.

Meanwhile, I had totally filed that night away. Conveniently forgotten about “the incident.” I guess I didn’t want to deal with it.

I mean, you would think that if you pass out on a street, wake up, proceed to pass out again, get driven away in an ambulance, pass out AGAIN in there, have the EMT’s tell you that you flat lined, and then proceed to get kept overnight in the hospital… you’d remember it… right?

Not in my brain.

I joked to L that maybe I should be speaking to my therapist about it. Or, maybe I should write about it.

Yeah, okay. Now there’s a story a lot of people would want to read, right?

Prolly… not so much.

Though there are some funny things that happened along the way.

Something to think about anyway.

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Thursday, April 20, 2006

Things you can't explain

About two weeks ago, I’m driving home from work in the rain. The windshield wipers are going, and I’m listening to the radio.

Suddenly, I hear this weird “bloop, bloop, bloop” noise. Not knowing what the hell it was, I turned down the volume on the radio to see if I could get a better listen, figure it out. G-d knows I don't want to have to put any more money into my car right now.

But then, the noise is gone.

So, I go to turn the volume back up on my radio, but… wait. Nothing. There's no volume. The radio is still on, but nothing’s coming out of the speakers. I switch over to the CD player. Still... nothing.

Now I’m cursing and sort of smashing at the buttons and stuff a bit.

I’m completely addicted to music, and I especially need music when I drive. I’ve just left the office, so I’ve still got at least a good 30 minutes in the rain before I get home.

But still… there's nothing. Dead silence. Crap. Maybe I can drive listening to my Nano. Yeah, it's a little dangerous, but hell... I. NEED. MUSIC.

After I get home, I call to speak to the boysies, and I ask B if he has any idea what could’ve happened.

“Maybe a fuse? Why don’t I take a look at it tomorrow when we’re at soccer.”

“A'ight.”

Well, he can’t figure it out any more than I can. Monday I give my mechanic a call (yes, I drove around most of the weekend with the Nano in my ears.) This happened last week, so I’m leaving for NYC on Friday. I needed an oil change before I drove the 450 mile round trip anyway, maybe they can figure it out while I'm there. I make a plan to bring it in on Tuesday after work, before my first therapy appointment.

(Just as an aside, I absolutely adore my mechanic and his staff. They have really gone out of their way to take care of me; help me out. I bought the car I drive now from one of his other customers, and my mechanic helped me get an amazing deal. I don’t know if I know of a more honest man.)

Anyhoo, I get down there Tuesday night and it’s just Johnny who’s left waiting for me. He knows my car like the back of his hand, so he gets started on the oil and we start talking about the radio issues. He pulls the whole thing out, takes apart the speaker in the door… still nothing! I’m starting to freak out because there’s no way I can drive to NYC and back with no music AND the boysies in the car. I’ll go nuts. Johnny promises to do some research and I make a plan to come back Friday morning before we head to NYC.

Later that night I’m driving home from my therapy appointment. All of a sudden I think I’m hearing voices (yeah, I know how that sounds!) I do know I’m hearing something… I just can’t figure out what it is.

Then, out of nowhere, the radio pops on.

I start smiling. Grinning ear to ear. Singing along (it was a good song too.)

Then 30 seconds later, it’s gone… it just stops working again. What the fuck? No fucking way!! This is not fair!!!

My radio is mocking me.

This proceeds to happen another three times in the next two days, each time the radio staying on for just a little bit longer so that I get excited, and then it goes away again.

Thursday: I run out of the office at lunchtime to grab cash and fill the car up with gas for our trip. I pull out of the gas station and all of a sudden, there it is again… radio on.

Okay, how long are you gonna play with me this time? C’mon… I’m not buying it. You’re gonna go off again, it’s just a question of when.

But I get back to the office and the radio is still working. I leave work that evening; the radio turns on with the car. Now I’m driving… still working. I’m not sure what to think. Meanwhile, I’m supposed to bring it into the shop again in the morning, but do I really have to? I call Johnny.

“Okay, the radio… it’s totally possessed. Can you hear that? It’s now been on for over half an hour. And you know if I don’t come see you in the morning, it’ll probably stop working halfway to NYC. But, I really don’t want to have to come down there in the morning if I don’t have to…”

“Well, if it stops working again, slam the door. Sometimes that works to get it going again. And good luck to you. Godspeed.”

Well, it’s a week today and it’s still working. Maybe the devil decided to possess something else for a while…

Can’t wait to find out what that will be.

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Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Validating oneself...

So I’m supposed to come up with five validating statements about myself that don’t involve work or my children before my next therapy session.

Why can’t I get over the feeling… what a load of crap!

I know it’s for my own good, it will help me develop my self worth, yada, yada, yada… but it’s just so damn stupid. And if I don’t believe in it, how is it going to help me?

Regardless, I’ll do it, because I do believe that this therapist can help me identify what I’m really feeling in regards to B and our past and future. Talking through things with her yesterday brought out some past pain and fear. And that’s what I need to work on the most. Not being afraid to say what I need to say to B. Being able to ask the tough questions, the questions that I didn’t ask before we got married. And those thoughts still frighten me, so I guess I do have work to do.

On a completely other note, for someone that just wanted something casual, The Player sure isn’t acting all that casual. He called me every day I was away, I heard last night how much he missed me.

I’m all like… (pregnant pause) “Me too.”

His response to that… “Yeah, right!”

Hee.

I think he likes that I’m very nonchalant about him. I don’t chase him; don’t call him. Don’t get me wrong, I like him, I just also know that we are too different; come from such different worlds, for this to ever be for the long haul. But he’s fun to be with, we laugh a lot, and the nekkidness is very, very good… so, I’ll keep him around for a while (till I decide that I’m done, then I’ll disappear, as I always do.)

He’s off to the Berkshires for a couple of days; we have plans for a nekkid weekend when he gets back on Friday.

Yum.

Can that count towards developing my feelings of self-worth and validation?

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Tuesday, April 18, 2006

The joys of home

#1. An internet connection!

#2. My own bed... ie: Not having to share a sofabed with my boysies... little dude decided it would be okay to tap me awake at 4:30am because he couldn't sleep, big guy proceeded to wake me up each morning at 6am, just for the goof.

And there's more, but there's no time. I've got an appointment with my therapist in an hour, I'm currently sopping wet, and it takes me 20 minutes to get there (ah, the joys of the suburbs.) I've got dinner (and nekkid) plans with The Player later, so I won't be getting back to this for real until tomorrow... after I catch up on work and all (damn work, interfering with my blogging!)

Long story short... A great time was had by all in NYC. And I miss the momma already.

I'm outtie.

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Thursday, April 13, 2006

A juggling act

So, I've hung out with The Player again for the past two nights. (just as an aside, I guess my guilt alleviated pretty quickly, huh?)

Tuesday night he came over after I got home from my therapist appointment, and since it was on the later side, we just hung in and watched a movie. At about 2AM my cell starts ringing and he just looks at me... "booty call?" Now I had no intention of even getting up to look at it... until he said that. Now I'm just curious as to who the hell would be calling me at 2AM because, hello!, I don't have any booty calls left.

Turns out... it's Grumpy. In case you missed his post yesterday about Drinking with Gavin, he hung out Tuesday night with Gavin DeGraw, who happens to be one of my favorite new artists. We had a conversation about Gavin's music on Sunday, because regardless of the fact that he has "I Don't Want to Be" playing on his My Space page, he had no idea who he was. I had gone on and on about how talented he was, what a great voice he had, how I had seen him play a couple of times live and that he puts on an amazing show. Anyhoo... Grumpy was calling to tell me that he was hanging out drinking with him... but I didn't answer the phone. And The Player is all like... "Yeah, that was your brother... okay."

So yesterday was the first day of Passover, and B and I had discussed trying to do a little seder together with the boys to celebrate. I also had a nail appointment scheduled, and while driving to work The Player called me (what?... you just left!) to ask if I wanted to go out for sushi that night (umm... yeah!).

Okay. They'll be a little juggling involved, but I can pull this off. Nails aren't until 6:15, which means I can stop by B's house, have a little schnibble with the boys, hang out for about a half an hour and get out of there using my nail appointment as my excuse. I'll be done with my nails by 7pm and then I'll pick up The Player to drive to the sushi place (his deal - he treats, I drive... cool.)

It actually all worked out. The Player and I had a conversation at dinner about what we're both looking for... we are so on the same page... we both want nothing serious right now, we enjoy each other's company, let's hang out, but there should be no expectations from the other person. I told him he's my distraction right now. We definitely have fun together, so why not, right?

One of the funniest parts of the evening? Walking out of the restaurant, we get back into my car and my cell starts ringing... yep. Grumpy. So I pick up, we're chatting, the next thing I know... The Player is on the phone chatting him up. I'm sitting there, literally yelling in the background... "don't even"... "be good"... "dude, I'm serious." But it was okay. He behaved himself. The only questionable thing he said to him was "Do you know about my sister's condition?" Okay Grumpy. Thanks.

So that's the current deal. The boysies and I leave for NYC tomorrow morning, we'll be there through Tuesday. B, the boys and I are having a non-traditional Passover seder this evening, but still inherently Jewish... Chinese Food! Considering I'm a pretty non-traditional girl, I think it fits. I have a therapist appointment Tuesday when we return, and then The Player and I are supposed to hang out. This is working for me... I do wonder what my therapist would say about The Player. Probably that I'm just gravitating towards something that alleviates my fears. But that's good for me right now, so I'm just gonna go with it.

Happy Holidays everyone.

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Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Back to the beginning

I met my new therapist last night. I like her. And it definitely doesn’t hurt that she has a very soothing British accent, though last night I was the one that did most of the talking.

So what did I learn? Honestly, nothing I didn’t know already. But I like her approach.

She first wanted me to understand that this would not be a good match if I thought this could be a quick fix... this is going to take some time.

She senses a lot of fear in me… fear of being controlled, fear of commitment, fear of moving forward. And guess what? It all stems from my childhood relationship with my mother and how the effects of my low self-esteem have affected my choices my whole life.

Yah.

She wants us to explore the past in order for me to redevelop my self-worth. And I need to stop thinking that doing things to make myself happy are selfish. Instead I should think of them as self-ful.

I think what she said to me at the end impacted me the most. She is willing to explore the option of reconciliation with me, but she also wants me to explore what my other options are as well. And most importantly I need to make sure this is what I want and need, not something that I feel like I should do.

“What is should? Should is not what will make you happy. Want and need. That comes from the heart. That will make you happy.”

Happy would be nice.

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Monday, April 10, 2006

A whole world of I don't know

Conflicted. Confused. Questioning.

That pretty much sums up my current state of mind (yeah, yeah, I know… this is different… how?)

Let me explain. (“No, there is no time, let me sum up”… (The Princess Bride… know it, live it, love it… hee.))

When I decided to explore the idea of putting my family back together I was well aware of the intrinsic stumbling blocks. So aware I called B when this started to specifically tell him that he shouldn’t break up with his girlfriend. Because if this didn’t end up working out I would feel terribly that he gave up something that already exists. I told him he should just consider it me being incredibly cool. To that end, I’m pretty sure he took her out Saturday night for his birthday.

(Just as an aside, shouldn’t I care that he’s sleeping with someone else? ‘Cause I don’t.)

As I’ve already mentioned (probably too many times), I don’t currently have sexual feelings for B (duh… reason #1 why I don’t care that he’s sleeping with somebody else.) On the other hand, I KNOW that in order for our reconciliation to work, that particular stumbling block HAS to change. I can’t exist in a relationship that doesn’t involve attraction; it wouldn’t be right for him to have to exist in that way either. Its been less than a month since we’ve started talking and doing things together as a family, and in my mind, if it’s gonna happen, it’s definitely gonna take some time. So, I figured I’d just hang out and see how it all panned out.

I didn’t expect a curve ball in the interim. (Though in retrospect, the way my life usually works… said curve ball surprises me… why?)

Anyhoo… flashback… Friday night.

Er and I in the ALH. We were drinking, singing and dancing along to the juke, shooting some stick, (running the table, actually), just having a grand ‘ol time. I wasn’t paying attention to anyone other than Er and our opponents, mostly because the clientele at the ALH is composed of scary old men, and secondly, I’m not supposed to be looking for anything / anybody right now.

But then, The Player walked in. I had met him back when I was dating The Intruder (some might remember The Intruder from the deleted blog.) I had found him extremely attractive then (the… you feel it everywhere feeling), but I was involved with someone at the time, so it was ignored, put away.

But now, he’s here, I’m wasted, and he’s totally flirting.

(Another aside… whoever said that after 2AM you lose your good sense knew their stuff, ‘cause after 2AM my good sense was drunk, horny and not listening to anyone.)

2AM. Last call has come and gone, we’ve finished up the last game and walked outside. The Player asks if we’re interested in getting high. Er says no, but I say yes before the word no is even out of her mouth. Er gives me the look. The “you should go home” look. The “no good can come of this” look. I ignore her. “I’m in.” Er tells me again to go home and call her when I get there. Yeah, yeah, I’m right on that. She leaves; I ask The Player where we’re going. He tells me to follow him. I do. Turns out he lives around the block from me, which is around the block from the ALH.

We hung out until 8am the next morning (making for a very hung over and tired mommy at soccer.) When I left he said he’d call me later (first thought, yeah… ok) and he did. He ended up coming over that night with pizza; we watched a movie…

Yah.

He called me last night, then again today. He wants to hang out, and I kinda want to hang out too. He’s fun, attractive, sexy… but, on the other hand, not someone I could see myself with for the long term. But, for right now… yeah.

Hence, my conflict. Part of me thinks that it’s wrong to hang out with him based on what I’ve started with B, but the other part of me needs this right now (okay, yet another aside… I was completely honest and upfront with The Player about what’s going on… he doesn’t seem to care… probably because he’s not looking for long term from me either.)

If B can continue to see his g/f why can’t I have my needs satisfied as well?

Is it wrong?

And if it’s not, why do I feel guilty?

Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck.

End of story.

Comments… Advice… Bueller… ?

Oy.

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Sometimes it rains...

The dance party was, as expected, the cutest thing ever. The kids were so excited to perform for us, they just about danced their pants off. And I have to say, the parent participation was totally fun too.

Friday night I went out with my good friend Er for mexican and margaritas. Well, that's how it started at least. (As an aside, I haven't seen her since I made this decision, and there was a lot to catch her up on.) We talked a lot about what I was trying to do, and she brought up some very good points, albeit, pretty much the same ones that others have already made.

Anyway, three margi's and a corona later we're done with dinner, but it's only 9:30 and we have no intention of going home yet. We ended up at the American Legion Hall, which, truly, is less scary than it sounds. The first time I went there I was pretty freaked out. But what was explained to me that time is very true... it's like your grandfather's basement. Pool table, jukebox, bar, tables, and you can smoke in there (cool!) because it's a private club. Oh, and did I mention that the beers are $2.00? Yeah. $2.00. Mixed drinks and shots are a whopping $3.00 each. Needless to say, we got our happy drunk on.

The next morning it was pouring, but nope, soccer was not called on account of rain. Three hours in the rain and hail does not make for a happy, hungover mommy. Though, big guy was totally happy... he had the game of his short career... 4 amazing saves and 1 goal. Little dude was not so lucky, his team got creamed 12 to 2, and the last half of his game was played in the hail.

We went to lunch after for B's birthday. I drove little dude, B drove big guy over to the restaurant. Little dude got a hold of the camera, cause I left it in the back seat, and decided to use the rest of the film taking pictures of the inside of my car, the back of big guy's head, the waiter, the busboy, the plants... (I was going to post them too, but decided against it.) He was just having the time of his life with it. I think maybe the hail affected his brain.

Lunch was nice. The kids are just so happy to have both of us around at the same time. I still feel no attraction for B, but he's so damn good with the boys. At least I didn't jump when B unexpectedly put his arm around my waist to say thanks.

Can you say conflicted?

Okay, there's even more to the conflicted now, but I can't quite go there yet. I've got to wrap my own head around this first before I start writing about it.

But y'all know, eventually I will.


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Sunday, April 09, 2006

But I digress

So, for those of you that might not've caught the comment left, Grumpy has decided to create a point/counterpoint blog. And yes, my name is Bitter.

He can be a little snarky and mean, but he is also inherently funny and incredibly talented. I've added the link to the list on the right, but if you want to take a peek right now...

Donttellmehowitends

I'll be back later to update on the weekend.

Needless to say, trouble always knows where to find me.

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Friday, April 07, 2006

Installing Love

(Not sure where I got this, but it’s quite apropos.)

Tech Support: Yes, ... how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me though the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running?

Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components ." What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you than Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

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Thursday, April 06, 2006

When the best and the brightest end up... not so much the best or the brightest

Doc Gooden was sentenced to jail on Wednesday for cocaine use. He chose it actually. Following in the footsteps of Darryl in a way. And, it makes me sad. The NY'er in me. The mom in me. Doc and Darryl had so much potential. But they were the ones that didn't live up...

Just as an aside, am I really blogging this much about baseball? Yeah, I heart baseball. Truly, not as much as football, but... seasons rally.

Doc's savior sadly could be time spent behind bars

I was never a "true" Met fan (Yankees!), but I loved Doc... and Darryl (who didn't love Darryl back in the day?)

What's so sad is what's become of their lives... they both had so much potential; they hit the high too early and they never recovered... they were both too young when they became famous and they couldn't handle it... what a waste.

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Dance Dance Dance

Tomorrow little dude has his dance party at school. Parents have been invited to watch as well as… wait for it… PARTICIPATE! Big guy’s was last week and because of meetings, I was unable to go. B was there for him though, which made me happy.

After he got done, B gave me a call to laugh about the parent participation. He had to do the Macarena (heheheh.) Then he warned me that payback’s a bitch.

So we’re both going tomorrow. I figured that he would’ve bailed as soon as I confirmed that I could get out of work to make it there, but since this is little dude’s first he doesn’t want to miss it.

Our conversation last night regarding this matter…

Me: I am so not doing the Macarena!
B: Yeah you are!
Me: I’d much rather do the Hand Jive. With how many times I’ve seen Grease, I’m a hand jive expert. C’mon…
B: That’s fine, you’re just not leaving until you get up there and participate like the rest of us.
Me: I’m really not getting out of getting up there am I?
B: Not so much. Heheheh.

Meanwhile, I have to say watching little dude do the Hand Jive with his “hot potato, hot potato” is one of the cutest and funniest things I’ve ever seen. He does this little jump along with it, plus his high voice. Now, picture 20 six year olds doing this together.

I don’t own a video camera… why?

On another note, Grumpy and I finally got to catch up via phone today. He told me he’s going to start a blog and if his name is Grumpy, mine is going to be Bitter. HAH! We totally left the bigger issue on the table and just chatted about what’s going on in his life. He had a date last night, saw a great movie, is meeting with the guys from National Lampoon today about creating a show for their cable station, and oh yes, did he forget to mention after he gets back from Florida he has to go to Barbados to take a meeting.

Can I have my brothers’ life… please? Or at least my brothers’ life with my kids. That might just not suck.

Not that my life is so much with the suckage lately. And that’s a good thing.

Hopefully there are no hidden cameras in the wall of the gym tomorrow to record my participation for prosperity. Hee.

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Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Say it isn't so...


The city council is voting on the possibility of a new Yankee Stadium? This is a sacrilege. How could Steinbrenner even consider moving Monument Park?! (B & I took big guy to a game at the stadium as an infant... don't make me tell you the story about me having to nurse him in the infirmatry because he refused his bottle of b.m. and I was so not nursing him in the stadium bathrooms!)

A history lesson:

A History of Yankee Stadium:

February 6, 1921 - The Yankees announced plans to purchase 10 acres of property from the estate of William Waldorf Astor in the west Bronx. They spent $675,000 for these grounds. As tenants of the Polo Grounds for years, the Yankees had to share the stadium with the New York Giants baseball team, but this relationship was strained after the 1920 season. Babe Ruth and the Yankees doubled the stadium to 1,289,422 – over 100,000 more than the Giants’ attendance. With this purchase, Yankee co-owners Jacob Ruppert and Tillinghast l'Hommedieu Huston sought out a stadium of their own – in fact, the first baseball stadium to be called a “stadium.”

May 5, 1922 - The construction contract for Yankee Stadium was awarded to New York's White Construction Co. The Bombers had two requirements, however: the stadium had to cost only $2.5 million and had to be completed by Opening Day in 1923.

April 18, 1923 - Yankee Stadium hosted its inaugural game against the Boston Red Sox. Construction was completed in only 284 working days. In addition to the thousands outside, 74,200 fans packed the stadium, and witnessed the Babe hit a three-run homerun as the Yankees beat the Red Sox, 4-1.

1928 -The stadium saw renovations this year, with its the triple-deck grandstand extended beyond the foul pole.

1937 - The right-field grandstand was extended, and concrete replaced the remaining wooden bleachers. This reduced the distance to center field from 490 feet to 461 feet.

1946 - Additional lights were added to the stadium.

1966-67 - Under new ownership Yankee Stadium, by now 44-years-old, received $1.5 million worth of modernization -- most of which was a new paint job. The brown concrete exterior and the greenish copper fascade were both painted white. The grandstand seats, all of them, were painted blue.

August 8, 1972 - The Yankees signed a 30-year lease with the City of New York, which set a 1976 deadline for modernization of the stadium.

1973 - The Yankees completed their 50th-Anniversary season, and moved to Shea Stadium for two seasons while their own stadium was almost completely demolished and rebuilt.

April 15, 1976 - The remodeled Yankee Stadium opened, and the Yankees blew out Minnesota, 11-4. Once again, the stadium hosted the World Series in its inaugural season.

2005 - Plans were unveiled in 2005 for a new Yankee Stadium just north of the current stadium, to be built in Macombs Dam and Mullaly parks. With the Yankees paying $800 million, and the city paying $300 million, the construction is expected to cost more than $1.1 billion.

April 5, 2006 - The City Council votes on whether or not to build a new Yankee Stadium.

Nooooooooooo! (there's my vote!)

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Help Wanted

Okay, I need some help here.

I’m trying to teach myself some basic HTML, which as you can see has led to the little scores section above, but now i've screwed up the margins on my dates & title headers. (thanks hil!)

And I still can't get more space in between the teams without slash lines... (thanks deb!)

Can anyone help me... please? Pretty please with sugar on top?

If so, would you email me or just leave it in the comments. (The email is on my profile.)

We're all set thanks to my fabulous readers! Yay!!

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Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Batter Up

B and I took the boys to see Ice Age 2 on Saturday evening. I have to say, we had a nice time. The boys were more than thrilled, and watching them interact with their dad was pretty amazing. B’s birthday is the 8th and we are going to go out to lunch or dinner with the boys to celebrate as a family. Spring soccer starts that day (yay!), so it will probably be lunch because the games end for the boys at 1:15. Either way, I think it’s a good thing.

I definitely still have a few reservations, but as the days go by, this feels more and more natural. We’ve been talking a couple of times a day most days, mostly about the boys, but not always. I start therapy on the 11th, and I think it’s really going to help me come to terms with where I’ve been and allow me to move forward in a way that isn’t harboring bad feelings from the past.

I’m taking the boys to visit their grandparents for part of spring vacation. There’s an Easter egg hunt in Central Park that mom found out about; we are so there! I emailed Grumpy to let him know his nephews would be in town and would love to see him, but he’s leaving for Florida the day we arrive. Which is really too bad; the boys adore him, and I’m sorry they won’t have a chance to see each other. We haven’t actually chatted since we had our little blowout, but we did have an email exchange last night regarding his feelings on what I’m trying to do.

Best line? “Denile ain’t just a river in Egypt”

That made me giggle.

There was no resolution though. I don’t know if he’s ever going to be on board with this. Hopefully, if things do end up coming to fruition, he’ll come around. And if he doesn’t… well I’ll have to cross that bridge if and when I come to it. (As an aside, I gave him the address to the blog so that maybe he could better understand what I’m trying to do… his first response was to his nickname. Oops.)

And finally…

“And the Yankees win, the Yankees win!” (15 – 2!!) Yeah, I know it’s only the first game…

Alex Rodriguez hit a grand slam and drove in five runs, Johnny Damon drove in a run in his Yankees' debut, and Randy Johnson exhibited the dominant form he lacked for much of last year in a season-opening 15-2 rout of the Oakland Athletics on Monday night. Johnson allowed one run and five hits in seven strong innings, an impressive 106-pitch performance for the 42-year-old lefty to kick off his second season with the Yankees. Hideki Matsui homered on opening day for the second straight year, hitting a three-run shot in the fourth. He finished with four hits and four RBIs. Damon doubled twice and hit an RBI single in the second to end an 0-for-16 streak on opening day as New York knocked A's ace Barry Zito out after 1 1-3 innings, the shortest outing of his career. Zito, tagged for seven runs and four hits, was done after 59 pitches -- the first time he hasn't lasted two innings. Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams each added two RBIs for the Yankees,

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Sunday, April 02, 2006

And now for something completely different

Hey you... yeah you... c'mere... it's us... big guy and little dude.

Since mom decided to get all boring on you guys and stop talking smut and stuff, we decided to hijack her blog and write something a little more informative.

So, for all you kids out there, we proudly present:

Ways to Drive your Mother up a Tree

- Throw open her door at 6:15am Sunday morning crying and screaming at your brother for crumpling up your page of gameboy passwords. (one zillion extra bonus points if it's "spring forward" Sunday.)

- After leaving her room, go back into yours and start rooting around in your closet for the toys located underneath everything else, making sure that loud crashes ensue (another zillion bonus points if the walls of your closet and her room are connected.)

- Start singing YMCA and John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt at the top of your lungs claiming that you're "practicing" for the upcoming dance party at school. Don't stop even when your mom asks you for the twentieth time.

- Only speak to your sibling and your mom in a whiny Caillou type voice.

- Create a trail through the house of discarded toys, games and books that bored you two minutes after you started playing with them. Add to that any piece of clothing that you have worn for five minutes and decided that you want to change out of. Make sure that you are asked at least five times before picking any of it up. Finally acquiesce, but proceed with a pouty look on your face.

- Come up with really silly ideas such as putting on your bathing suit and asking to go to the beach and swimming when it's windy and 60 degrees out. Throw a tantrum when your mom refuses.

- Have at least one fight with your sibling daily about how he never listens to you. Make sure that pushing, slapping and wrestling are involved, even if your mom forbids you to put your hands on each other. Ignore your mom's demands for you to cut it out already.

- Take out every loud and/or musical toy and turn them on at the same time (especially effective if the batteries are dying and they sound warpy.)

Well, that should get you guys going. We're going to play some soccer with mom now. Good luck and have fun!

**Disclaimer:
We almost forgot, in order to not be shipped off to boarding school, and have your mom forgive you each and every time, make sure that you are as cute as we are.



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Saturday, April 01, 2006

April Fools? Not so much!

Finally. What a beautiful day today. The kind of day that just calls to you… come outside.

The boys woke up at the crack of dawn… of course. There is no sleeping in when they’re around. I shooed us out of the house by 9:30am to run our errands because I wanted us to be able to go play after lunch. But first, we’ve got to go to the post office, BJ’s, the supermarket, the library.

Okay that’s done… let’s go play.

We drove around to 3 different playgrounds before finally finding one that was actually inhabited by other kids. Little dude insisted on wearing shorts today, a decision I wasn’t exactly comfortable with at first, but considering it was closing in on 70 degrees by 2pm, I had to admit he was the only one dressed correctly for running around.

They hit the ground running as soon as I parked the car; first stop, the swings. Big guy jumped right on and got himself going. Little dude wanted a push to get off the ground. And then another, and another.

Hey, little dude, this isn’t so much fun for mom... you’ve gotta learn to pump your legs.

Then the challenge was thrown down. Who could go the highest?

Understand, I’m a champion swinger, and never one to back down from a challenge… I jumped on the next swing over and we were off. I have to say, big guy gave me quite a run for my money. I think he might’ve even been going higher than me considering my legs are still 6 or so inches longer than his, and we looked pretty evenly matched up there in the air.

Oh yeah, there it is, what I knew would be coming... Little dude whining that I need to help him get back into the game. Damn, I guess I’ve gotta come down now.

Just one more minute...

I had forgotten how good it feels. To fly through the air, the wind in your face, seeing how high you can go. The slight apprehension in your belly as you’re soaring that you might just fall.

There's little dude again... "Mommy! I need help. I need to get back in the game!"

So I came down, but I didn’t jump. I left that feat to big guy.

He stuck the landing.


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