Friday, March 31, 2006

Friends Forever

My best friend and her husband totally rock. They’re that perfect mix of smart, sarcastic, funny and witty. They’re the perfect couple; the perfect house, kids, dog, cars… their names even start with the same letter. They throw a Halloween party every year, and of course, do the joint costume thing. But they are always original and never contrived. This year’s costume: Thing 1 and Thing 2. You want to hate them, but it’s impossible. They’re just amazing people.

L and I went out for dinner Wednesday night and were trying to decide between martini’s and red wine. We’re perusing the martini menu, when one of them (I forget the name, cause I don’t do designer martini’s… me: Grey Goose, straight up, extra dirty please (< /aside >) caught her eye because of the Godiva Liquor.

In the midst of her gushing about how good that particular liquor is, she mentioned that she had a bottle in the house if I was ever interested in trying it. But the giggling leads me to believe there might be a little more to this story, so I questioned… “and you got this bottle… how?”

She blushed and told me how her (FL), her husband (ML), and B (did I mention that my ex works for her husband? … oh yeah… whole other can o worms…) were at a catered party over Christmas that featured a few chefs from several prominent area restaurants.

B was there to sell cigars, L & L were there as invited guests, as they are friendly with the hosts; their children go to the same Montessori.

Over the course of the evening, FL got a chance to have a glass of the aforementioned Godiva Liquor, and fell madly in love with this liquid. The first glass was gone in a flash, but she didn’t want to look like a Godiva hog, so she sent ML to get her more. B was sent to get her the next glass.

Well, as any good husband would, ML saw how much FL loved this liquor and decided he was going to do something about it.

As it turned out, not so much him doing something about it as B…

As they were getting ready to leave, ML had B pack up the bottle of Godiva with the cigar supplies, and then carry the bag outside to the car.

L's final comment on the matter,“Don’t you want us for friends?”

On the way out, we stole the really excellent pens they gave us to sign our credit slips.

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Thursday, March 30, 2006

Spy Kids


I’m in love…

With my Nano!

This thing is awesome. They finally got a decent model Ipod for $150 (I’ve just heard way too many shitty things about the shuffle to spend $100 on it... yeah, i'm cheap... sue me) so, my internal Veruca decided “Now, I want it now!” (I can’t say Daddy, cause he ain’t buying it for me.)

Yesterday at lunch I hauled my butt over to the mall and picked up my “slim and sexy” Nano in black. Yeah, that's right... Apple totally knows how to market to their audience.

But, on another note, I need to add that Apple is the scariest company known to man. We think our president may have some weird spy toys… but, get this.

I used Itunes before I purchased the Nano (it has to do with my addiction for Lost, but that’s a whole other post…)

They’ve got my credit card on file. The same card that I used to purchase my Nano yesterday. Before I left work for the day, not 6 hours after purchasing my new toy, there was an email from Apple in my inbox congratulating me on my purchase and welcoming me to the Ipod family.

This completely freaked me out. The fact that they were able to match up my card numbers, then my email within that short of a period of time… hello!

Take that George W… you got nothing on Apple.

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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Plusses and minuses...

One of the things that came out of this weekend’s analysis-fest was the idea of making a list of the positives and negatives in taking these steps towards getting back together with B and attempting to move forward as a family.

So, walla... no holds barred. (If anything, this should give me a clearer picture of my thoughts when I speak to a therapist.)

Negative: I am not in love with B. Question: Is it possible to love someone again, after the hurt and anger is gone? Answer: I don’t know.

Negative: I am not currently attracted to B. Truthfully, we were never a great sexual match. Question: Can these feelings develop over time? Answer: I don’t know.

(Just as an aside... maybe I should ask Mr. Coles, he seems to have a good handle on this kind of stuff...)

Positive: We’ve created new lines of open communication, which, regardless of the final outcome, is of the good.

Positive: We could be a family again. The boys would have both of their parents living under one roof. There's no bad there, as long as we're setting a positive example for them.

(Another aside… For 3 years I tried to fill the void of not having my boys around by dating, searching for a new relationship to fill the empty times. And what I learned was there’s no lack of boys wanting to bed me; there’s a lack of boys willing to consider the concept of taking on “someone else’s family.” And the ironic thing about that is, I never wanted a new dad for my boys, they already have one. Which is why no one I dated ever met my kids.)

Positive: B is an amazing father. He goes out of his way in order to spend time with his boys, nurture them and just be there for them.

Negative: He wasn’t a good husband and partner. I wanted a partner, but instead, I got a child. An irresponsible, explosive, controlling, negative child. Question: Has that changed? Answer: In some ways.

Positive: He’s been in therapy for two years and has learned anger management skills. It is very obvious in our recent dealings with each other how far he’s come. He’s a different person in regards to his past explosiveness.

Negative: He doesn’t have the same level of education I do. In the past if he wasn't schooled regarding a concept in which I believed in, I was made to feel like it wasn't important, that it was stupid.

Positive: I believe he has seen the error of his ways in regards to this, and in recent dealings he has been more open to my ideas.

Negative: We don't share the same level of drive and ambition, he is more so satisfied with the status quo than I will ever be.

Why?...

Negative: He's still a regular pot smoker at 38. There’s nothing wrong with an occasional indulgence, but every day? C’mon now. You have children.

Negative: He’s a worse money manager than I am. And two bad money managers do not a good match make.

Oy. Okay, I need to end this on a positive…

Positive: He’s willing to do just about anything to make this happen.

And that, in and of itself is reason enough to at least try.

Right?

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Monday, March 27, 2006

I never would've dreamed it possible 10 years ago...

But, I can go home again...

And my mom and dad will be there, waiting, with open arms, to support me in whatever decision I make. They’ll offer help and guidance, but no absolutes. They’ll assure me that I’m a smart girl; I’ll make the right choice from both my heart and my head.

Who are you people and what have you done with my parents?!

Throughout my high school, college, and married years, I never dreamed that I could ever have this kind of relationship with my parents, my mother specifically. One could argue that she is the reason I chose to marry who I did.

In essence, I married what my mom used to be: a controlling, argumentative and explosive, negative person.

Where did that leave me? Never believing that I was good enough; as a child, young adult and then as a wife.

Just as an aside, I went to college to prove my parents wrong. I majored in child psychology (much to my parent’s chagrin – “What on earth will you ever do with that?”) so that I could learn how to bring up my children differently.

And I believe that I’ve definitely accomplished that. My boys hear every day what amazing, smart, sweet people they are; that they will have the ability to accomplish whatever they want to in this life. And they will. It’s all about being positive rather than negative in your focus. </Digression>

Anyhoo… the highlights:

Mom and I spent the entire day together Saturday; walking, shopping, talking. While we were in Bloomies, I decided I wanted to go see the puppies, so we stopped into the American Kennels on Lexington Ave. O.M.G.! Please, I implore whoever is reading this – never, ever buy a dog from them. The chocolate lab we asked the woman behind the counter to take out was so sad and unresponsive. The woman that took him out of his cage, essentially grabbed him around his neck to pull him out… there is no way that these people care about animals at all. </rant>

Sunday morning mom & I headed over to the Bide-a-Wee facility at 38th and the FDR. I came thisclose to adopting a dog. Chucky. A 2 yr old black Border-Collie mix, so sweet, cute, but peeing so uncontrollably outside, I was worried about the 4 hour drive back to Boston. But, considering I haven’t stopped thinking about him, (I even looked him up online this morning), I may have to go back to get him with the boys.

Dinner was fabulous. This was my first visit to John’s at 12th, and I highly recommend it. Loud, kitschy, a bit cramped even, but who cares. The food was amazing. Portion size for the price was unbelievable, especially for NYC (mom and I shared, it would’ve been way too much food if we didn’t), and so incredibly reasonable overall, I was blown away.

The only bad part about dinner… Grumpy decided to go all evil on my ass. His opinion of what I’m trying to do is not a positive one, and there was no hesitation on his part, in going for the jugular in trying to prove his points (he is a lawyer after all.) I ended up in tears; we’ve not really spoken since. He doesn’t have kids. I don’t think he’s really in a position to judge.

That’s about the jist of the weekend…

Oh, except for Friday night…

One word. Yum.

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Update

I've now committed to bringing back four dozen bialys from Kossars. Yes, that's right, FOUR dozen... 48 bialys. They are that good. Fuck it, I need 2 dozen for here... they freeze! Amended... I'm gonna need 5 dozen.

Mom has agreed to ditch daddy on Sunday and have momma / daughter day. Though she did get me to agree to brunch at home rather than downtown so that daddy won't feel badly that we're goin for dim-sum without him.

So, I've agreed to bagels and lox at the apartment... but there's no way she's getting me to believe that the pre-packaged lox from Fairview is gonna cut it. We're goin to Zabars on Saturday to get the real thing. I'll pay. Yes, it is that big a deal / difference. No matter what she says :).

Have I mentioned, I can't wait to go home!!!

Grumpy is not going to Cali - he'll be at dinner. And our dinner plans.... well, they've changed as well. Now that the rents are taking 6 people to dinner, the Jew has played his card.

No, they will not be spending $600+ on dinner Sat night. Instead, we're going to John's on 12th. Which, I've been assured, has amazing food, as well as a much younger crowd. And, it's a lot more casual... "You can wear whatever you want!"

Whatever. Hanging with the P's, their very cool friends, and my bro.... it's all of the good. Especially if the food lives up... (it's all about the food!)

Grumpy and I just need to discuss where we're hanging when dinner is done. Though, I think we've already realized that I'm singing at one point this weekend, so plans are probably pretty much set..

My boss has agreed to let me leave work by 3:30pm Friday. My p's... well... they don't expect me before Saturday morningish...

Yeah, there's a little left unsaid here...

I'll get there.

Maybe.

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New York, New York

Hee.

Parve Wednesday One-liners.

I can’t wait to get to NYC this weekend.

I haven’t started to make out and out lists… yet. But there is the one I’ve got running in my head.

All the things I need to do in one weekend (damn weekend isn’t long enough!)

The rents have taken care of the “good restaurant.” Saturday nite, Nino's on 2nd Ave. My mother even warned me… no jeans, this isn’t New England! (Hee.) I do know how to dress for NYC, mom. I'll tell you what, I'll even wear a cute skirt.

Hopefully Grumpy (brother) can postpone his trip to Cali and hang with me after dinner. Though, he’s probably going to want to go downtown and sing karaoke AGAIN. I’m gonna have to put my foot down. We need to go somewhere other than the little asian karaoke bar!! Well, maybe after we’ve been drinking for a while.

Oh, please. Who do I think I'm kidding?

If we hang out, I’m so gonna end up with a microphone in front of my face before the night is over. What’s even scarier than the singing though… the shots that we’ll end up consuming while waiting for our numbers to come up again. Ah, Good Times.

Sunday needs to be a momma / daughter day consisting of brunching (hmm, maybe Chinatown for dim-sum), shopping (ooh, dim sum brunch in Chinatown would allow stoppage at Century 21 before heading back uptown) and momma time (and if I can get her to buy me stuff too… total score! :)

I don’t get the kids back until Monday after school, so I can drive back at whatever time I want to Sunday. I may just have to hang for the traditional Sunday night Chinese feast, and make Chinese food the running theme for the day.

I need to get some pizza in there too. Ok, that can be late night Saturday. NY Pizza is even better when drunk. Ooh, bagels and lox. I can bring home bagels... Oooh, if we go downtown, I can hit the lower east side for bialys.

I better go get my lunch. I think I’m hungry.

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Fear of Flying

Is it possible that Erica Jong is my long lost MUCH older sister? Or maybe... she was my mom in a past life...

Okay, okay, I know those are ridiculous thoughts, but, tonight, while reading an article she penned in this month's Elle magazine, "SCENES FROM AN OPEN MARRIAGE", (I was mani / pedi-ing in preparation for my trip to NYC), I was absolutely blown away by the similarities in the way we think.

I loved, loved, loved this paragraph:

"Beware of books. They are more than innocent assemblages of paper and ink and string and glue. If they are any good, they have the spirit of the author within. Authors are rogues and ruffians and easy lays. They devour life and always want more. They have sap, spirit, sex. Books are panderers. The Jews are not wrong to worship books. A real book has pheromones and sprouts grass through its cover. Whitman knew that."

The article is actually about how she, within the confines of her defined "open marriage," slept with Martha Stewart's now ex-husband, and whether or not she regrets it. The realization at the end is twofold:

"The most uncomfortable things I did, I did knowing in my gut that I would write about them."

and

"Whenever I see Martha on TV, in tabloids, in magazines, I think, Does she trust anyone? It's hard to trust and I didn't make it any easier for her. When you can't trust anyone, there's no choice but to wind up alone. A blasted marriage can also blast your heart."

While I never slept with a married man and/or broke up a marriage, these words touched my soul in a way that is difficult to explain. To the point that I CAN'T stop thinking about them. They are so apropo to my life, to what I've been feeling.

I lost all trust in terms of relationships, and my feelings, when my marriage broke up. He broke every rule of "partnership" that I grew up believing marriage would bring me (without cheating on me, no less.) He broke my heart, even though I was the one to call it quits.

I've contemplated, more than once, whether or not I'm now destined to spend the rest of my life alone because of my lack of trust in myself and relationships. (well, alone with my boys, but the gist is there.)

As for doing things knowing that I'd write about them, that part is a bit backward, but truthful nonetheless. I first decided to write about my life and what I was doing as a sort of therapy.

But I question now... as this blog progressed, was my behavior a precursur? Did I create drama in order to write about it? (and now that the original blog is gone, that point is mute, but still... food for thought.)

Bottom line?

I know I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I want to share my life with someone. And to ks's point in her comment to me - I DO want to share it within the confines of a loving, fulfilling and passionate relationship.

But... do I have the facilities to be able to do that? And make the right decisions having been where I've been?

I dunno.

And G-d knows, the answers are not coming as easily as I would like.

(just as an aside... I did mention the blog was going to be a little different now... the funny will come back, I'm just not sure... when.)

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Monday, March 20, 2006

Home is where the heart is

Is it possible to have a mid life crisis at 39?

That would put my life expectancy at 78, which doesn’t seem very old, considering my family tends to live well into their 80’s and 90’s.

I just don’t know what else to call what I’m feeling. In one weekend I managed to question almost every decision I’ve made in the past four years (yes, that was the weekend I deleted the blog.)

So, what caused this extreme distress? Missing my boys.

I was wandering around my house two weekends ago, just overwhelmed by the emptiness of it all.

It spiraled out of control from there. The bottom line... I began to question whether or not it’s fair to subject my boys to a non-traditional family. Especially because their father and I no longer fight the way we used to.

Don’t get me wrong. The boys are extremely happy, well adjusted; everything a parent could want. My oldest hasn’t asked in at least two years “can daddy come home now?”

But I live in a town filled with prime examples of “the perfect family.” And while I know in reality these people have their own problems, the appearance of what they have and I don’t is what causes that pang in my heart.

And guilt is a funny thing. Especially Jewish guilt.

As an aside, for those who aren’t familiar with the concept, Jewish guilt is the belief that you’re not doing the right thing for those around you, the ones you love. It doesn’t matter what’s best for you. What matters is what’s best for everyone else.

And this guilt has led me to believe that maybe I should be trying to put my family back together, since I was the one to break it apart in the first place. And I know, it’s not like he wouldn’t jump at the chance to try…

But even as I attempt to do this, I get this underlying feeling that, in the long run, whilst it might be the right decision for the boys… for me… maybe not so much (besides the fact that I am so NOT attracted to him, at all! If this proceeds, can I request separate bedrooms upfront, or would that be wrong?)

And then, I have the reaction of some people to this news, because, yes, I've shared…

My best friend… “Are you sure?” (I think I shocked her more than my ex.)

My best friend’s brother, yelling in the background during a voice mail she was leaving me, and then the follow up phone conversation… “Don’t do it! Don’t do it!”

A friend of my best friend after hearing… “Did you talk her down?”

Well, the feedback hasn’t been the most encouraging, to say the least.

So, I’m going home this weekend. Back to NYC, mom and dad, grumpy brother, all the things I’ve been missing. And, maybe, just maybe, they can give me the perspective that I need.

Though, at the very least, I’m gonna get some really good food.


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Friday, March 17, 2006

Yeah, I'm back

I know, I know.

I did. I deleted it all.

I had to.

And for those of you that emailed me, and I explained... well, you already know (and just as an aside... those loyal readers that i had/have... you guys rock! I hope you're back.)

The rest of you... well, you're in the dark now, aren't you? Until I decide to explain further, which, of course, I will... at one point.

But for now...

I'm just gonna say...

I had to.

And leave it at that.

But, i'm back. in a slightly different way, but back.

So deal with it.

Or not.

It's up to you.

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