Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Back to the beginning

I met my new therapist last night. I like her. And it definitely doesn’t hurt that she has a very soothing British accent, though last night I was the one that did most of the talking.

So what did I learn? Honestly, nothing I didn’t know already. But I like her approach.

She first wanted me to understand that this would not be a good match if I thought this could be a quick fix... this is going to take some time.

She senses a lot of fear in me… fear of being controlled, fear of commitment, fear of moving forward. And guess what? It all stems from my childhood relationship with my mother and how the effects of my low self-esteem have affected my choices my whole life.

Yah.

She wants us to explore the past in order for me to redevelop my self-worth. And I need to stop thinking that doing things to make myself happy are selfish. Instead I should think of them as self-ful.

I think what she said to me at the end impacted me the most. She is willing to explore the option of reconciliation with me, but she also wants me to explore what my other options are as well. And most importantly I need to make sure this is what I want and need, not something that I feel like I should do.

“What is should? Should is not what will make you happy. Want and need. That comes from the heart. That will make you happy.”

Happy would be nice.

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