Monday, April 24, 2006

Baby steps

“Remember how I said I'd rather be with someone for the wrong reasons, than alone for the right ones? I'd rather be right. It's gonna feel good to stand on my own.” Amanda Jones – Some Kind of Wonderful (1987)

I woke up this morning with that quote stuck in my head. It’s taken up residence; made itself quite comfortable in fact. I can tell, it’s not planning on moving out anytime soon.

Yet, the idea of being alone is something that I’ve always been frightened of. Have tried to avoid at all costs in my life… possibly including trying to get back with B?…

Hmmm.

“A woman is supposed to be married.”

I wonder how old I was when I first heard that statement from my mom. Probably the year after I graduated college. That’s when I also heard this gem…

“You’re twenty-four years old. Can’t you find a boy to marry you? What’s wrong with you?” (Ahhh, Jewish mothers… ‘nuff said)

I know WHY I’ve made the choices I’ve made. That’s very clear to me. But therapy is supposed to be teaching me to go down a different path. One in which I have the confidence to stand on my own and feel secure. Not to seek out companionship for fear of being alone.

That concept is so contrary to what’s been entrenched in my brain for as long as I can remember. Yet, maybe, I am starting to feel more comfortable with it. Maybe my confidence is building in the right direction.

Which gives me the perfect segue to my homework assignment.

I’m ashamed to admit I cheated.

Not on purpose! Really. It just happened.

The night L and I went to dinner we discussed the relevance of this particular project. I still did not understand how saying “I’m a good person” was going to help me. She disagreed, and explained her reasoning. So I told her I’d give it a shot.

Understand L wants me to do this on my own, for my own good. So, she gave me no help whatsoever. I managed to come up with three (one of which I promptly forgot due to a small indulgence we partook of earlier in the evening, and spent the better part of dinner going “Number 2… What was number 2?! I know there was a number 2!!”... but I digress.)


  1. I’m a good friend.

  2. I’m a strong person.

  3. I’m smart.

That’s where I got stuck. I panicked; started to have these weird thoughts. Like, I was totally conceited and I need to stop this now. I looked at L.

“Okay, I’m done for now. Baby steps. K?”

L assured me I had nothing to worry about. I came up with three not two days after being told to do this. I had plenty of time to come up with two more. I could do it.

Flash forward to Saturday night. I’m finally catching up with my friend Quincy Girl, and I’m filling her in about my therapy, the homework I have and that I’ve come up with three thus far.

“Oh, that’s so easy. I can name ten great things about you right now.”

And before I could stop her, she proceeded to do just that.

So now I feel like I cheated.

Because I did agree with a couple of things she said, and I’m going to use them.

Baby steps people, baby steps.

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