Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Fear of Flying

Is it possible that Erica Jong is my long lost MUCH older sister? Or maybe... she was my mom in a past life...

Okay, okay, I know those are ridiculous thoughts, but, tonight, while reading an article she penned in this month's Elle magazine, "SCENES FROM AN OPEN MARRIAGE", (I was mani / pedi-ing in preparation for my trip to NYC), I was absolutely blown away by the similarities in the way we think.

I loved, loved, loved this paragraph:

"Beware of books. They are more than innocent assemblages of paper and ink and string and glue. If they are any good, they have the spirit of the author within. Authors are rogues and ruffians and easy lays. They devour life and always want more. They have sap, spirit, sex. Books are panderers. The Jews are not wrong to worship books. A real book has pheromones and sprouts grass through its cover. Whitman knew that."

The article is actually about how she, within the confines of her defined "open marriage," slept with Martha Stewart's now ex-husband, and whether or not she regrets it. The realization at the end is twofold:

"The most uncomfortable things I did, I did knowing in my gut that I would write about them."

and

"Whenever I see Martha on TV, in tabloids, in magazines, I think, Does she trust anyone? It's hard to trust and I didn't make it any easier for her. When you can't trust anyone, there's no choice but to wind up alone. A blasted marriage can also blast your heart."

While I never slept with a married man and/or broke up a marriage, these words touched my soul in a way that is difficult to explain. To the point that I CAN'T stop thinking about them. They are so apropo to my life, to what I've been feeling.

I lost all trust in terms of relationships, and my feelings, when my marriage broke up. He broke every rule of "partnership" that I grew up believing marriage would bring me (without cheating on me, no less.) He broke my heart, even though I was the one to call it quits.

I've contemplated, more than once, whether or not I'm now destined to spend the rest of my life alone because of my lack of trust in myself and relationships. (well, alone with my boys, but the gist is there.)

As for doing things knowing that I'd write about them, that part is a bit backward, but truthful nonetheless. I first decided to write about my life and what I was doing as a sort of therapy.

But I question now... as this blog progressed, was my behavior a precursur? Did I create drama in order to write about it? (and now that the original blog is gone, that point is mute, but still... food for thought.)

Bottom line?

I know I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I want to share my life with someone. And to ks's point in her comment to me - I DO want to share it within the confines of a loving, fulfilling and passionate relationship.

But... do I have the facilities to be able to do that? And make the right decisions having been where I've been?

I dunno.

And G-d knows, the answers are not coming as easily as I would like.

(just as an aside... I did mention the blog was going to be a little different now... the funny will come back, I'm just not sure... when.)

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